No soft-skill topic has been in the spotlight more in the past 5 years than that of good feedback skills. We (re)discovered the power of an open feedback culture, attended training sessions and built direct feedback from colleagues and customers into our performance management processes.

Only to discover that we are not there yet. Giving general feedback on paper is still possible... but telling someone directly what strikes you or what you would like to change is more difficult.

Why is that anyway. Why do we often feel so uncomfortable or clumsy in feedback situations?

According to Harvard professors Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone, this has to do with a basic and deep fear that has its roots in prehistoric times, that of social rejection. Being cast out of a group because you were different or acted differently could get you killed. When we experience threat, our primal brain activates in a split second one of the 3 basic responses fight, flight or freeze.

In feedback situations, this system is triggered. So the indignation, failure button or denial you feel when a colleague tells you what he thought of your last presentation does not say much about the presentation itself, but everything about the threat you (unconsciously) experience.

In their book Feedback is a Gift, Heen & Stone challenge the reader not to throw off feedback immediately, but to examine why you react the way you do. The colleague who never contributes, but is immediately ready to comment on your contribution, probably can't immediately count on your appreciation. But he may still have something relevant to say. And in the end, that is valuable.

Even as givers of feedback, we often beat around the bush. Well known are the so-called "jokes with a message" in which criticism is wrapped up in a joke. Everyone laughs but you are left with the uncomfortable feeling of something going on and not being voiced. The fear of social rejection also plays a role here; after all, as the giver of the feedback, you don't know if the other person will still like you if you address your criticism directly.

If the whole feedback thing is so out of our comfort zone, why don't we just stop? Why all the trouble?

The answer is simple: we cannot avoid it. We are connected by threads and we see things from each other, find things from each other. Exchanging that in a good way, with reflection to yourself and to the other, ultimately makes work more enjoyable and more rewarding.

And the good news is: it's REALLY trainable. Compare the awkward feeling of feedback to the roll of fat on your belly; one set of sit-ups every day does a lot. The longer you keep it up, the better the effect!